Contents
Introduction
The
main role of etiquette is to make interactions in a dance setting enjoyable
for everyone. In dancing, much like everyday life, etiquette strives to
systematize the behavior so that one does not inadvertently offend (or
in the case of dancing, even physically hurt) other individuals. The underlying
foundation of the rules of social dancing is consideration for the safety
and convenience of one's fellow dancers. Therefore, if in doubt about a
specific point of etiquette, it is often enough to invoke the
following rule: be kind, generous, and unselfish. One can hardly go wrong
with that formula.
What
to Wear?
The
choice of outfit depends to a large extent on the dance venue and the type
of dancing. One needs to consider established protocols, as well as comfort
and safety during dancing.
Protocol:
The
more formal the dance, the more formal the outfit. At a charity ball in
New York City, for example, anything short of a tuxedo or ball gown constitutes
a faux pas. On the other hand, at local dance lessons and workshops, dress
for convenience and comfort, so you can concentrate on learning.
Appropriate
apparel and perceptions of formality vary greatly among different dance
venues. A Milonga (Argentine Tango) requires a very different kind of attire
than, say, a Country Western dance. Going to a dance is equivalent to entering
a potentially different cultural environment. It is prudent to show respect
for the accepted norms and customs of each culture, if you want to join
and enjoy.
The
following is a partial list of dress codes:
-
White
tie: White tie is the most formal category of dressing. For the gentleman,
it includes a black tailcoat with matching trousers trimmed by two lines
of braid on the outside of each trouser leg, a white pique' tie, white
pique' single or double-breasted vest, and a wing-collar shirt with a stiff
pique' front. In many cases white gloves are worn. The lady appears in
a ball gown, which is an evening dress with a full skirt, possibly with
open back and low neck line. Elbow-length gloves are a nice addition.
-
Black
tie: Gentlemen in black tuxedo coat, trousers trimmed with satin ribbon
along the outside of the legs, cummerband and bow tie. The phrase ``black
tie'' does not refer to the color of the tie. In fact colorful ties (with
matching cummerbands) are very popular. Ladies appear in ball gowns.
-
Black
tie optional: Same as above, except gentlemen have the option of wearing
a regular suit with a tie (bow tie preferred), and ladies wear a cocktail
gown or dinner dress. Long to full-length skirts are preferred; short skirts
are not recommended.
-
Formal:
Gentlemen in suit and tie (nowadays a sport coat is often an acceptable
replacement for a full suit), ladies in cocktail gown or evening dress.
-
Semi-formal:
Applies to most dances at studios, universities, and dance halls. Gentlemen
in dress slacks with dress shirt and tie, jacket is optional. Other options
include a vest or a sweater that shows the tie. At the lower end of formality,
these events can be attended without a tie, e.g. with a turtleneck and
jacket. Ladies in evening dress or dinner dress, but other chic outfits
are also acceptable (like flowing pants, etc.)
-
Informal:
Applies to practice dances, workshops, and dance lessons. Dress for
comfort, but stay away from shorts, tank tops, and sneakers. For gentlemen,
solid T-shirts (as opposed to print T-shirts), turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks,
and cotton slacks are all acceptable. Ladies have a much wider set of clothing
options. Use your imagination and sense of fashion. Don't forget the dance
shoes.
-
Country/Western:
General country western attire, which varies somewhat according to
the geographical location. Generally it is acceptable to go in blue or
black jeans (not stone-washed) and cowboy boots. Make sure, however, that
the boots will not mark the floor. If you wear a hat, it is best to take
it off when going on the floor. Note that country western folks can be
very sensitive about their hats. It is improper to touch or otherwise handle
someone's hat, even if it is lying down on a table. For a lady to pick
up and put on a gentleman's hat is considered extremely flirtatious.
-
Milongas:
(Argentine Tango) For both ladies and gentlemen, black or dark themes
are preferred.
-
Latin:
This refers to venues that specialize in Salsa, Merengue and Cumbia.
For gentlemen, any button-up shirt, solid T-shirt or mock turtleneck, dress
slacks, and dance shoes. Jackets are nice, but a vest can be even more
stylish. Unlike most other dance venues, bright and colorful outfits for
gentlemen are acceptable, although dark themes are more common. Ladies
can (and often do) wear sexy outfits: both short skirts and longer slit
skirts are popular. Low necklines and exposed midriffs are not uncommon.
-
Swing:
There are no universally accepted rules to clothing for swing. Both
the Gentleman and the Lady wear outfits that are reasonably neat and chic
(but not necessarily formal), and at the same time comfortable. Many types
of swing are fast-paced and athletic, so wearing suitable clothing is essential.
For example, the Lady would be well advised to stay away from short, tight
skirts. For a discussion of related issues, see the next section on Comfort
and Safety. A recent trend has developed, in particular in Lindy Hop
circles, to wear vintage outfits from the 1930's and 40's. But this is
not uniformly practiced, and is certainly not required.
Comfort
and safety:
Another
element of dressing has to do with comfort and safety. Specifically, the
clothing should make it easy and enjoyable for the partners to dance. In
particular:
-
Regardless
of how informal the dance is, wear dance shoes. Do not wear sneakers or
other shoes with rubber or spongy soles. They can stick to the floor during
turns and spins and cause ankle and knee injuries.
-
Avoid
sleeveless shirts and strapped dresses, especially for active dancing:
It is not pleasant to have to touch the damp skin of a partner.
-
Sleeves
that are baggy or cut low in the armpit are also not appropriate, especially
in Latin and swing dancing, because dancers need access to partner's back,
and hands may get caught in baggy sleeves.
-
Accessories
like big rings, watches, brooches, loose/long necklaces, and big belt buckles
can be hazardous on the dance floor. They can catch
in partner's clothing, scratch and bruise, and are in general a
nuisance.
-
Gentlemen:
if you have no place to leave your keys and loose change, carry them in
the *left* pocket of your trousers. This makes it less likely to bruise
your partner.
-
Long hair
should be put up or tied in a pony tail.
It is difficult to get into closed dance position when the lady has long
flowing hair (hair gets caught in gentleman's right hand). It is also not
fun to be hit in the face with flying hair during turns and spins.
PPersonal
Grooming
While
the subject of this section is elementary, it can still be useful as a
reminder. Dancing is an activity where two people come in close contact.
Unfortunately, one can remain unaware of one's bad breath or body aroma.
Before a dance:
-
Shower
and use a deodorant,
-
Brush
teeth and use mouthwash or breath mint,
-
Abstain
from foods that produce strong odors, like those heavy in garlic
-
The odor
of alcohol or cigarettes on one's breath is also very unattractive.
During
a dance:
-
Check
your grooming periodically
-
During
active dance sessions, freshen up and towel off periodically in the bathroom
-
Gentlemen,
you can carry an extra shirt with you to the dance, in case you
need a change.
AAsking
for a Dance
When
asking for a dance, one cannot go wrong with traditional phrases:
-
``May
I have this dance?''
-
``May
I have this Waltz/Rumba/Foxtrot/etc.''
-
``Would
you like to dance?''
-
``Care
to dance?''
-
``Shall
we dance?''
In
the past it has been the tradition that men asked women to dance. But this
custom has gradually changed. Today, women should feel equally comfortable
asking a partner for a dance, even in a formal setting.
If
your desired partner is with a group, step up to him/her and make eye contact
when asking for a dance. It can make for an awkward moment if a number
of people think they have been asked to dance, and you have to tell them
that they were not.
It
happens, not infrequently, that one's desired partner is engaged in a conversation.
Is it appropriate to interrupt a conversation to ask someone to dance?
There is no clear, easy answer to this. Some say that one's presence in
a dancing establishment indicates a desire for dancing, and therefore everyone
is fair game. Another school of thought recommends asking your intended
partner if he/she is standing on or near the dance floor, but advises against
interruption if he/she is sitting down and talking with someone.
In
general, ask someone to dance if you think he/she is ready to dance and
will enjoy dancing with you at that moment. This may not always be immediately
clear, however, and one needs to exercise sound judgment and common sense
in each case.
For
example, if someone is sitting closely with their significant other, whispering
sweet nothings to each other, then it is probably not a good time to ask
him/her for a dance. Now a different scenario: your intended partner is
cornered and being lectured on weather patterns in lower Namibia. You can
advance and stand close to him/her, looking keen and interested. Once your
intended partner makes eye contact with you, smile and say: ``Dance?''
Usually, that is enough to do the job. If not, it is better to leave him/her
to learn about weather patterns in lower Namibia.
Sometimes
two individuals simultaneously ask someone for a dance. If this happens,
it is not necessary for any of them to back off: ``You go ahead..... No,
YOU go ahead!'' That would make the askee feel uncomfortable. Instead,
they should look to the askee to pick one to dance with. The askee should
do this graciously and, ideally, offer the other one a later dance.
Whom
to Ask
The
question of whom to ask for a dance is not as trivial as it may seem. Force
of habit, dancing capabilities, or personal attraction may incline a dancer
to dance with the same partner (or a few partners) all the time. This,
however, is not helpful to the social dynamics of a dance, therefore dance
etiquette speaks out on the choice of partners: To ensure a diversity of
partnerships on the floor, and to give everyone a chance to dance, etiquette
rules against asking the same partner for more than two consecutive dances.
One
of the common violations of this branch of dance etiquette occurs when
someone dances most of the night with their escort (the person with whom
they came to the dance). The ruling in this case is much the same as for
the traditional (formal) dinner parties: one never sits down to dinner
next to one's spouse. It is assumed that if spouses were interested primarily
in talking with one another, they could have stayed home together. By the
same token, going to a social dance demonstrates a desire to dance socially.
This means dancing with a host of partners, and not just with one or a
select few. I have heard a version of this rule that requires the first
and last dance of the evening to be done with one's escort, and other dances
with others.
Naturally,
individuals tend to dance with others at their own level, but excluding
partners based on their level is not acceptable. In particular, to constantly
seek the most skilled partners is against the spirit of social dancing.
Better dancers are especially advised to ask beginners to dance. Not only
does this help the social dynamics of a dance, it also helps the better
dancer (although it is outside the scope of this discussion to explain
why or how.
Unfortunately,
one sometimes comes across dancers who consider themselves too good to
dance with beginners, who cannot ``keep up'' with their level of dancing.
It is often the case that these dancers are not as good as they think.
They need good partners because only good partners can compensate for their
mistakes, bad technique, or other inadequacies. The truly good dancers
often seek the challenge of dancing with those at lower levels, and enjoy
it. Good dancers make their partners look good.
Declining
a Dance
Especially
for beginners and shy individuals, being declined can be difficult, and
may discourage them from social dancing. Dance etiquette requires that
one should avoid declining a dance under almost all circumstances. For
example, there is no correct way of refusing a dance on the basis of preferring
to dance with someone else. According to tradition, the only graceful way
of declining a dance is either (a) you do not know the dance, (b) you need
to take a rest, or (c) you have promised the dance to someone else.
Note
that the last excuse should be used sparingly, if at all, because it is
improper to book many dances ahead. When declining a dance, it is good
form to offer another dance instead: ``No, thank you, I'm taking a break.
Would you like to do another dance later?'' Furthermore, declining a dance
means sitting out the whole song. It is inconsiderate and outright rude
to dance a song with anyone after you have declined to dance it with someone
else. If you are asked to dance a song before you can ask (or get asked
by) your desired partner, that's the luck of the draw. The choices are
to dance it with whomever asked first, or to sit out the dance.
In
a perfect world, one would never come across unpleasant partners. But unfortunately,
there are instances (hopefully few and far in between) where someone monopolizes
a partner by asking for too many dances, is not safe to dance with (frequently
steps on partner's toes, or collides with other couples), or consistently
violates other rules of the dance floor. While promoting politeness, etiquette
does not wish to put the dancers under the tyranny of the inconsiderate.
It therefore cautiously allows one in these cases to say: ``No, thank you,''
without explanation, in the hope that the perpetrator will realize he/she
is in violation of the rules of social dancing. However, this option should
be exercised with great restraint and only in the case of repeat offenders.
Being
Declined
The
first thing to do when one is turned down for a dance is to take the excuse
at face value. Typical social dance sessions can be as long as three to
four hours, and there are few dancers who have the stamina of dancing it
through non-stop. Everyone has to take a break once in a while, and that
means possibly turning down one or two people each time one takes a break.
The advice to shy dancers and especially beginners is not to get discouraged
if they are turned down once or twice.
However,
since social dancers are generally nice and polite, being repeatedly declined
can be a signal. In that case, it is a good idea to examine one's dancing
and social interactions to see if anything is awry.
On
the Dance Floor
Line
of Dance:
The
dancing on a floor is done along a counter clockwise direction, known as
the Line Of Dance. This applies to traveling dances including Waltz, Foxtrot,
Tango, Quickstep, and Viennese Waltz, as well as Polka and two-step in
the country western repertoire. Latin and Swing dances are more or less
stationary and have no line of dance. Sometimes it is possible to dance
more than one type of dance to the same song. For example, some Foxtrots
can also be swings, and many Lindy Hop songs are just great for Quickstep.
In that case, swing dancers take the middle of the floor, and the moving
dancers move along the periphery in the direction of the line of dance.
Getting
on the floor:
Some
caution should be exercised when getting on the dance floor, especially
if the song has already started and couples are dancing on the floor. It
is the responsibility of incoming couples to make sure that they stay out
of the way of the couples already dancing. Specifically, before getting
into dance position, one should always look opposite the line of dance
to avoid blocking someone's way, or even worse, causing a collision.
At
the end of the dance:
After
the dance is finished and before parting, thank your partner. This reminds
me of a social partner who, upon being thanked at the end of the dance,
would answer: ``You're welcome!'' This always gave me a funny feeling.
The proper answer to ``Thank you!'' on the dance floor is: ``Thank you!''
The point is that the thanks is not due to a favor, but to politeness.
If
you enjoyed the dance, let your partner know. Compliment your partner on
her/his dancing. Be generous, even if he/she is not the greatest of dancers.
Be specific about it if you can: ``I really enjoyed that double reverse
spin. You led/followed that beautifully!'' If you enjoyed it so much that
you would like to have another dance with him/her again, this is a good
time to mention it: ``This Waltz went really great! I'd like to try a Cha-Cha
with you later.'' Although remember that dancing too many dances with the
same partner and booking many dances ahead are both violations of social
dance rules.
Leaving
the floor:
When
a song comes to an end, leave the floor as quickly as it is gracefully
possible. Tradition requires that the gentleman give his arm to the lady
and take her back to her seat at the end of the dance. While this custom
is linked to the outdated tradition requiring the gentlemen to ask ladies
for dances, it is still a nice touch, although it may be impractical on
the more crowded dance floors. In any case, remember that your partner
may want to get the next dance. Don't keep them talking after the dance
is over, if they seem ready to break away to look for their next partner.
Leaving
entrances free:
Some
dance floors, especially in country western dance establishments, have
limited access space (most of the periphery is railed). Dancers and onlookers
should avoid blocking these entrances. In particular, avoid stopping to
chat immediately after exiting the dance floor. Another issue in Country
Western dancing regards line dancers, who sometimes share the floor with
other dancers. They should avoid blocking entrances from the inside while
dancing.
Sharing
the floor:
Responsible
usage of the floor requires that one stays out of the way of others. Some
figures require a momentary movement against line of dance. These figures
should be executed with great caution on a social dance floor, and only
when there is no danger of collision. Avoid getting too close to other
couples, especially less experienced ones. Be prepared to change the directions
of your patterns to avoid congested areas. This requires thinking ahead
and matching your patterns to the free areas on the floor (floorcraft).
While this may sound complicated to the novice dancer, it gradually becomes
second nature.
In
the case where there is a gender mismatch, if you are a member of the over-represented
gender, withdraw once every few dances to allow everyone to get a partner.
The same is true if the dance floor is too crowded; withdraw every few
dances to let everyone dance.
Another
aspect of sharing the floor is to match one's speed to that of others.
In a recent social dance, a particularly tall and handsome couple caught
my eye. They were moving with great speed and skill across the floor, and
I began to enjoy watching them dance. But then I noticed they were coming
dangerously close to other dancers on the crowded dance floor, and many
times other couples came to a stop and moved out of their way. While this
experienced couple will probably not have collided with them, coming close
to less experienced dancers at great speed was making everyone uncomfortable.
Other dancers were justifiably unhappy about this couple ``taking over''
the floor.
Aerials
and choreography:
The
only thing to be said about aerials on the social dance floor is: don't
do them. While they may look ``cool,'' the execution of aerials requires
training by a qualified instructor. Don't do them by yourself unless you
are trained, and certainly don't do them on the social dance floor. Dancers
have been badly hurt by either participating in aerials, or unluckily being
in the proximity of those who did. In fact, in 1996, a swing dancer died
during the execution of an aerial. Aerials can be extremely dangerous,
please take this issue seriously.
The
same principle applies to other lifts and drops, as well as choreographed
patterns that require a large amount of floor space.
No-Fault
Dancing
Never
blame a partner for missed execution of figures. Once in a social dance
I accidentally overheard a novice couple, where the lady said: ``I can
do this step with everyone but you!'' The fact that she was wrong (I had
seen her other attempts) is irrelevant. The point is that she was unkind
and out of line. Even if the gentleman were at fault, she was not to say
something like that (more about this in the section: ``dancing
to the level of partner.'')
Regardless
of who is at fault when a dancing mishap occurs, both parties are supposed
to smile and go on. This applies to the better dancer in particular, who
bears a greater responsibility. Accepting the blame is especially a nice
touch for the gentleman. But at the same time, do not apologize profusely.
There is no time for it, and it makes your partner uncomfortable.
My
personal preference is the following: whenever something untoward happens,
I first see if my partner noticed. Sometimes the partner may not be aware,
for example, that a figure was slightly off-time or that a fine point in
technique was missed, in which case it is better to let it go. If she has
noticed, I just smile and whisper ``sorry...'' and go on, regardless of
whose fault it was.
Did
Your Partner Enjoy the Dance?
Dancing
to the level of partner:
It
often happens that the two partners dancing socially are not at the same
level. It is important that the more experienced partner dances at the
level of the less experienced partner. This is mostly a comment for leaders:
when dancing with a new partner, start with simple figures, and gradually
work your way up to more complicated patterns. You will discover a comfort
level, file it away in memory for the next time you dance with the same
partner.
The
same principle applies to Latin and Swing followers, although to a lesser
degree. Doing extra syncopations, footwork, free spins etc. can be distracting
and even intimidating for a less experienced leader. Although I must say
that the show-off follower is rather rare; most of the violations of this
sort are by leaders who lead inexperienced partners into complicated figures.
Being
sensitive to partner's preferences:
Social
dancers strive to make their partners comfortable and help them enjoy the
dance. This requires sensitivity to the likes and dislikes of the partner.
These preferences can take a variety of forms. For example, I remember
that one of my West Coast Swing social partners found neck wraps uncomfortable.
In the same manner, some dancers don't like spins (or many spins in a row),
while others really enjoy them. Some like extended syncopations and others
don't. There are many more examples in various dance venues. Be sensitive
to your partners. It is not too hard to detect their likes and dislikes,
and if in doubt, ask.
Demeanor:
Be
personable, smile, and make eye contact with your partner. Try to project
a warm and positive image on the dance floor, even if that is not your
personal style. Many of us lead hectic lives that include a difficult balance
between study, work, family, and other obligations. Having a difficult
and tiring day, however, is not an acceptable excuse for a depressing or
otherwise unpleasant demeanor on the dance floor. Because of the setting
of a social dance, we do not always dance with our favorite partners. This
is also not grounds for a cold treatment of the partner. Once one asks
or accepts a dance, it is important to be outwardly positive, even if not
feeling exactly enthusiastic.
The
social dancer is also well advised to be watchful of an unchecked ego.
While a healthy sense of self is helpful in all social interactions, it
is more attractive when mixed with an equal dose of modesty. Don't let
perceived dancing abilities or physical attractiveness go to your head.
It is helpful to remember that overestimating one's dance prowess or attractiveness
is quite common.
Teaching
on the Floor
There
are two aspects to this point of etiquette:
Unsolicited
teaching:
This
is unfortunately one of the more common breaches of dance etiquette. Ironically,
this error is often committed by individuals who are not fit to teach!
Experienced social dancers dance at the level of
their partners. Instead of trying to teach someone a pattern in a few
minutes, it is better to concentrate on doing what both partners can do,
and enjoy the dance. Unsolicited teaching can be humiliating and takes
the fun out of dancing.
Soliciting
teaching on the floor:
This
is not necessarily a flagrant violation. There are times in fact when it
is flattering to be consulted about a point of dancing. However, this issue
should still be approached with a little care. Here is a worst-case scenario,
to illustrate the point: A polite dancer is excited when his favorite song
comes on, and he asks the closest stranger for the dance. She replies:
``I have never done this dance before. Can you please teach me?''
It
is debatable how much one can learn, from scratch, in the 2-3 minutes a
typical song plays, but that is beside the point. This may be a song he
really wants to dance to. For this or any other reason, he may not want
to spend time at that moment teaching someone, but she has left him no
polite way of getting out. In this situation: (a) She doesn't know him
(so cannot justify the imposition based on friendship), (b) she solicits
teaching at the time he is asking her to dance, which puts him at a disadvantage,
and (c) she does not know anything about the dance, so he cannot say: ``let's
just do what you already know.''
Being
considerate does not necessarily limit interactions between dancers. People
do learn quite a bit from each other in social dancing. Observing a few
simple points, however, will make this process more enjoyable for all parties
concerned:
-
Don't
solicit teaching the moment someone asks you to dance. If they are polite
and considerate, they will feel trapped, will spend the next few minutes
with you, and then for the rest of the night will avoid you like the plague.
If they are not so shy, they will not teach you, and for the rest of the
night will avoid you like the plague.
-
A good
approach is the following: when asked to dance, one can say ``I would like
to, but I don't know the dance.'' This gives the asker a cue to offer help,
but at the same time the asker is not cornered.
-
The asker
in this situation can either offer to take the partner on the floor and
do some basic steps, or if s/he is not so inclined, take it as a decline
of dance: ``Oh, it would have been fun, perhaps we can do a different dance
later?''
-
It is
better to get help from friends, or at least someone you have had a dance
or two with already, rather than an absolute stranger.
-
If you
want to get pointers from someone, wait until s/he sits out a dance. Then
go talk to her/him. Almost anyone will be more than glad to be helpful
in a situation like this.
Summary
-
Etiquette
is here to ensure everyone has a good time in a social dance setting, so
pay attention to it.
-
Your outfit
and accessories should be comfortable, safe, and also reflect the culture
and level of formality of the dance group. Most importantly, do not forget
your dance shoes.
-
Ask everyone
to dance. Do not monopolize one partner for the whole night.
-
Today's
beginners will be the good dancers of tomorrow, so be nice to them and
dance with them.
-
Do not
decline a dance unless you absolutely have to. Having declined a dance,
you cannot dance the same song with someone else.
-
Be considerate
of other couples on the floor. Exercise good floorcraft. Do not cut other
couples off. No aerials or choreographed steps on the social dance floor!
-
Stationary
dancers (e.g. Swing dancers) stay in the middle, traveling dancers move
on the boundary along the line of dance.
-
Avoid
patterns that your partner cannot do: dance to the level of your partner.
-
Never
blame your partner for missteps.
-
No unsolicited
teaching on the floor!
-
Smile,
be warm and personable, be nice.
|
